The Sleeping Royal (due to FB boredom)

Facebook, as we all know, was originally designed as an intranet for university students.  Soon, it exploded onto the World Wide Web.  With a carefully crafted profile uploaded since 2007, HRH The Princess Swan has seen it vacillating between progress and regress to its current surge where its use includes advocating action towards the redress of social injustices. Used as a pivotal logistical tool to awaken an entire region from its Winter of Discontent into a blossoming Arab Spring, it assisted in:

  1. toppling  three governments (Tunisa, Egypt and Libya),
  2. removing a President (if Saleh is true to his word and steps down in February),
  3. informing the world on the serious, Syrian “Situation”,
  4. bringing about some constitutional changes in at least in one Monarchy viz.  Morroco, and
  5. keeping us abreast of the daily intensity of the Teargas Bubble Bahrainis, to date, inhale on a daily basis.

Of course Facebook has many diverse uses and not all of us are social, political, cultural, artistic or human rights activists. (Unfortunately a lot are slacktivists..but….that’s for another blog.). Not all of us have the gift of the gab, although one should constantly guard against the Upper End, excreting garbage. It is utilised to stay in touch over distances, photo-share, business, flirting and of course, lots of err…cyber poking.  Its use subsumes that a ‘person’s page is a person’s page’, therefore one has the right to post status content as one desires, with some exception, given of course one lives in a country where one is not in danger of incarceration (or death) by authoritarian regimes, and where freedom of speech is respected (also with exceptions of course).

Thus, given that an entire region brought about, and is still bringing about major political and social changes, utilising Facebook as one of its logistical tools, and its diverse additional usages, HRH wonders………

……………………… Whats App with these statuses that just makes one want to Yawn, slip into a state of Hypnagogia and eventually succumb to a Ménage-a-Trois with Hypnos and Morpheus?

These are the top eleven statuses (in no particular order) she advocates as best to avoid, lest one slip into an eventual Coma (forgoing that err…Ménage).

  • Facebook User Checked In At…..

I mean really now doll.  Unless one has checked in at…

  1. the bedroom of Johny Depp and he’s lounging around naked, (with John Abraham (Bollywood) about to join the err….party), and ones is able to upload accompanying pics or better still the vids);
  2. Al Jazeera and one is about to go live on The Stream or 101 East;
  3. the Hague and one is about  to pronounce Messrs  Bush, Blair and Obama guilty of crimes against humanity for killing 160 000 odd Iraqis,  or murdering “America’s Most Wanted” (who are now instituting talks with its current leaders, when they said they would never dialogue with “terrorists”);
  4. a Bedouin tent in the Oasis of Gabr Oun in the Sahara full of err…hot, ‘thirsty’, ‘starving’ Arabian Knights, …………………..why would the proletariat be interested?. :s

Gabr Oun---Where a Princess is "Bound to Bump" into some Arabian Knights

Muses HRH, “Yeah yeah yeah….I know this App, which I as The Princess Swan has had to disengage on advice from the Crown Purple’s Chief of Security lest a disgruntled Knight stalks my movements, is intended to aid ‘The User’ to connect with friends (or perhaps to remind an errant wife that she needs to check into bed with her husband), but why not just not just phone a friend if one feels like doing err…push-ups at Virgin Active.  I mean, that’s why friends come with benefits” 😉

  • What Facebook User Has Had Or About To Have For Breakfast Lunch Or Supper. (Or What Wifey Or Hubby Has Been Cooking)

Doll, unless it’s

  1. sperm-whale eggs or something equally exotic;
  2. oversized carrots/cucumbers/bananas grown in ones garden that’s like really err…big, (with photo), which of course automatically ups ones green footprint;
  3. the real Moët et Chandon, that one err…swirls before one swallows, or
  4. one is making Gnocchi or Halwa Puri from scratch, without the assistance of the kitchen staff, …………………HRH aint interested.

Note:  Vegetarians/Vegans are excused. At least they’re educating the Proletariat as to an alternative to The Masses’ voracious, carnivorous diet, conscientising The Masses that The Masse don’t actually need to kill animals for food. (And HRH doth thinketh that killing animals for cultural and religious purposes is not cool either, but that too is for another blog…..)

  • A Prayer To A God/Allah/Buddha/Lord Krishna/Respective Honour Diety

I mean honestly. So ‘God’ has now migrated to Facebook? How demeaning to ones supposed revered diety. These statuses HRH refers to as the Pharisees of Facebook (Refer Matthew 6:1,2 & 5 as well as Luke 18:11)

And by the way….If one does a Sunday prayer status, or telling one that one had just attended Church/Temple/Mosque/Synagogue et al, remember the debauched one, one posted of ones drunken sexcapades during the week.  There’s the possibility that it could be used against one in a court of law as evidence of schizophrenia.

  • Wishing A Friend, Family Member, Husband, Wife, Lover Et Al “Happy Birthday/ Anniversary/Bon Voyage/Glad You Passed Matric/Et Al.

(Recalling that this is in reference to an actual status and not posted on the other User’s Wall)

I mean c’mon, one does not even know the person.  Have The Masses become so impersonal with personal relations that the sentiment can not be expressed in person, with a phone call or sms? One suspect guilty parties here have “family/relationship/intimacy issues”? 😉

  • Those Equally Boring “I Love You”, Including Wall Posts.

Subscribing these to what one can only describe as insecurity and fear of abandonment issues, one often wonders who are these updaters are trying to cajole.  Wonder what would happen if one leaves a True Story comment with “Doll, I’ve saved the scroll (Royals are not sent smses) he hath delivereth to me, sent on the morning after the night before we three went out, asking me if he could come around to “drinketh from the cup” as he’ll be lonely while you’re off to your mother’s for the weekend”.

If one really loves and respects ones lover(s) …it should be said in person.  Of course one has public declarations, therefore the institution of marriage, civil union or shacking-up. Suffice to remember that displays of public affection invokes the decree of Access to Public Property and Engagement with that Property.

And, when it is no more, don’t forget to post the “I hate you” follow on ;-), although this of course could contradict Item 6 below, …..but do note the exception to that status.

  • Your Lover’s /Divorce/Break-Up Spat,

Unless of course one is lamenting the lost bedroom antics with photos, (or YouTube vids) of the size of his Hardy Boy pleasurable bits, it’s just so plain…..well…….bourgeois.  There is a saying one should always subscribe too viz. “One should not wash ones dirty laundry in public”.

  • Those RIP Ones.  Subdivided into the categories of:
  • Celebrity RIP:  Thus besides ‘God’, Michael Jackson/Cesario Evoria/Amy Whinehouse are now also sitting reading Facebook.  (Refer status 3). Entertain us with one of their memorable quotes instead, or even those silly jokes, but do keep it sensitive hey.  One does not ever want a repeat of the Freddie “Another One Bites the Dust” or the Amy “We don’t serve spirits in this bar” genre. Better still; Show ones condolences by donating just £2 to their charity, and post The Masses the link.  Now that would make a difference wouldn’t it?
  • Personal RIP.  Seems one has relationship/family/fear of intimacy issues cropping up again.  Why else not just pick up a phone.  Sure, if one has lost a loved one it is extremely hurtful and one needs to grieve.  Facebook has also become a modern means of informing friends and family that a loved one or a mutual friend has died. Thus this yawn status does not refer to a notification or notification of funeral arrangements.  It refers to those one liner “RIP Andrew Hougaart”.

Oh, by the way. When it’s HRH’s turn she has decreed to be honoured with a HRH POH (Parties on Harder) instead of a RIP?  Enunciates The Princess Swan, “Daaaahlinks, in the after-life I’m destined to become the Queen of the King of Darkness, wear Prada and promises of hot, steamy, sweaty eternal sessions with his princes, (instead of just being touched by an angel). Thus I aint gonna be sitting reading Facebook.  (I mean Jesus Gurlz !!, have you seen Azazel in Fallen!!!! )”

Azazel, HRH's Favourite Fallen Angel. Isn't he just....too die for?!


  • A Quote, That One Has Not Credited, Including Original Status-Phrases Of Friends.

Cmon, that’s just plain plagiarism!!

  • Those Sms Language Statuses.

Unless HRH’s  ToyBoy Knight is lounging next to her to decipher, (subject to their current err… ‘status’)….she skips and yawns (and probably snoozes in his lap).  A polyglot,  the language of love being her favourite, she sets her linguistic goals on being an Oxford English/ L’Académie Française / Real Academia Española Purist Princess.  (She exempts USA citizens as they were cursed with poor spelling ability when they refused to show allegiance to The Crown ).   Contrary to popular belief, computers do have language settings as well as auto spell- checking.  The Crown Purple, South Africa and Commonwealth countries’ official English is Oxford Standard.  Thus for example it’s colour, programme (unless it’s a computer program), doughnut (not donut), centre, etc.

One has often been accused of “elitism” just because the ignorant hear the word “Oxford” when presenting this argument but……….

Refer to South Africa’s literacy capabilities. Bad -, SMS – and American spelling are not accepted in schools, and contribute to, in the case of Mzanzi, an appalling literacy rate.   Additionally this rule goes for any language, not just English. In South Africa citizens have the right to express themselves in the language of choice, but that does not mean one can rape that language.

  • Déjà vue Statusses.

 Subdivided into three distinct sub-categories, they are as follows

  •  Those ‘FaceTweets’ viz, Facebook-Twitter linked accounts.  The etiquette rule is…Facebook is for ones status update, twice perhaps three times a day, (unless it’s the SWC or ones friend is kidnapped my Yemeni Tribal groups Twitter is for those “per second expressions”.  Follow Helen Zille aka GodZille on Facebook and Twitter, respectively, so see a classic clear example of someone who understands and employs these rules.
  • Those Copy and Paste if you have the most loving mother/care about cancer/whatever. HRH cares about cancer….therefore akin to duties of a Royal, The Princess Swan volunteered at St Luke’s Hospice for many years.  How is a copied status going to cure or alleviate cancer? What happened to originality? Constructing ones own thoughts on matters? Scientific studies have shown the less one uses ones brain the earlier the onset of dementia.  One rests the case of the “Bestest Mother/Brother/Wife” in reference to Yawn Status 4.
  • Duplicate Group/Fan and Friend status.

Dude, unless…

  • the Sultan of Oman is investing in ones new product;
  •  one is mentioned in the book titled ‘150 Bollywood Moments in South Africa’  as well as the second edition titled ‘250 Bollywood Moments in South Africa’ with the likes of screen goddess and UNICEF goodwill ambassador, Shamila Tagore (whose son Seif Ali Khan leaves a Princess….breathless) ……why regurgitate the same? :s

HRH with Screen Goddess Shamila Tagore in 150 and 250 Bollywood Moments in South Africa

Appeals HRH: “One takes the trouble to join a friend’s group, business or fan page, which a number of other friends have not. Could one at least be treated with the dignity of friendship by once again the separation of business and pleasure?

  • Constant Advertising of Ones Business, Event or Moonlighting Stints.

Surely, one business/organisation/profession/moonlighting stint can not be the whole of a person?

Of course if….

  1. Prince Hamdan of Saudi Arabia is the err…Moonlighting Stint;
  2.  Preiti Zinta or HRH’s current front runner favourite, Nobel Peace Prize 2012 proposition,  imprisoned Bahraini human rights activist Abdulhadi Al Khawaja…is endorsing/attending/speaking at ones event/launch,………………. by all means go mas loco (and see that HRH is invited to at least relieve you of some Moonlighting duties).

HRH Prince Hamdan

As said, one should never mix business with pleasure; therefore Facebook has the option of Pages or Groups as well as paid advertising. This in turn gives the Friend the option of following ones business/organisation/company interest or not.  And as friends, even close ones, we’ll never be interested in everything the other one does. One sees this as “forcing the issue” …….although not being interested in Opera is unforgiveable 😉

So, one now has mutual understanding as friends, what works for HRH and what doesn’t?

She inveigles The Proletariat to post comments or just critique the wisdom of a Royal. (She can just see The Bourgeoisies scouring for those spelling errors…hehe).   A comment previously levelled was “just hide those updates” But says HRH: “That to me is being disingenuous to a friend.” As for critique on this decree, HRH loves constructive contributions and/or criticism. Advises HRH, “Remember Daaahlinks. I give it, but can receive it much err….harder “ 😉

Note: Most examples of exceptions are in honour of the Species of the Male. But of course the converse to the honour of Species of the Fairer Sex also applies. Thus in the case of a male these statuses will eventually effect an embrace with the goddess Epona .  Exception examples would be   substituted for example, Pippa Middleton for Johnny Depp in “Facebook User Checked In on Bed of Pippa Middleton” …. or in the case of joining HRH to POH you’d be partying with Onoskelis  (but will also if wear Prada for all eternity).


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Margie
    Jan 19, 2012 @ 06:34:10

    Ah, another insightful writing causing a permanent smile while reading! So glad to hear it is not just me that gets irritated by some of the things.


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